Sinusoidal waves, tenatative selection and work output

The last two weeks or so has been like a typical, or should I say atypical, sinusoidal wave. There was no correlation between the wavelength of crest and subsequent trough. In short, I was being a Girl to the core. However hard I tried to keep afloat of things (feelings), they kept winning! Its like my mind logically knows something… my heart, in spite of that knowledge, was unwilling to accept that and went berserk in phases.

Well, compre is around the corner. It seems very big to me. It is like a validation of what I have been working on for almost a year now. If I mention the time frame and think of what I have achieved, I feel sometimes inadequate, and sometimes full of beans, depending on how I view it.

I came up with an idea. It was first a mental landscape populated with various ideas, then a process of tentative selection (I like to think that it was not just tinkering or the ‘blind watchmaker’ kinds, but that it went in some kind of positive direction), landing up with a pretty little picture that I love. If I think of how weedy this landscape was to my eye and how it is now, it feels great. But if I look at it in terms of ‘work output’, it amounts to ONE document. I don’t know whether you are understanding the full meaning of this statement, but it sits on my mind sometimes and I don’t know what to do with it.

I like the ‘document’, you understand. Its not that I don’t like it. It is just that I wonder if it is ‘enough!’ For a while now I have been wondering whether my boss thinks it is enough. On Friday I realized he does. The most important ‘validation’ of all. It meant so much to me! I wish I had recorded that moment! In a way I have – it has been put away in the ‘happy place’ in my mind, the kind I return to often. Sigh.