Contentment, complacency and constantly wanting more

The human mind is one strange entity. There is a constant state of wanting things to be ‘better’. This usually translates into wanting things different from what one has, and the grass pretty much looks greener on the other side! After getting what it wants, what does the mind do? It is not content – oh no! It wants more! More - as in, a different set of things.

I catch myself doing this all the time. Also with relationships. With people I am very secure of, I am a certain way. Enter even a little uncertainty in my mind and I try very hard to make the relationship “better”, and sometimes ruin things in the process. It’s like I don’t want myself to get complacent and end up losing something beautiful. That person is so important to me, I am so scared that my relationship will deteriorate, that I sub-consciously get extra attentive. I wish I could get rid of this tendency, I don’t like it. But I don’t know what to do about it! I can’t ‘get secure’ overnight! Even though I have identified the problem and I ‘technically’ know what to do, something akin to instinct over rides logic and I am a nervous wreck again.

I think its because I had very few friends when I was small. No siblings either! So I never fought (verbally I mean) with too many people. I never had people ‘sticking up for me’. Yes, parents, but I am secure of them anyway! The confidence that I have it me to make friends and sustain them came very late. It took a lot of time for me to be open and frank to people, with the confidence that I am nice enough to be liked anyway. Now I have that confidence with most people – I am sure of how they perceive me, and how important I am to them. But with others, I am wary. If I really like someone and I want to be a friend, well, I overdo it.

I am so happy that things are different now and I have a lot of friends. But I also hope this tendency to overdo does not ruin too many friendships for me!